vampirequeen:

when i was 9 i googled “penis” on my moms computer and then i felt so guilty about it for like a week so i started crying really hard and told her about it and she laughed for like 10 minutes

Me: *watching 'beauty and the beast'*

Tv: "NOOOO OOOOONE'S SLICK AS GASTON -"

My 20-year-old bro: *opens my door quickly* "NO ONE'S QUICK AS GASTON - NO ONE'S NECK'S AS INCREDIBLY THICK AS GASTON'S - FOR THERE'S NO MAN IN TOWN HALF AS MANLY - PERFECT A PURE PARAGON!" *closes the door*

shutupaubrey:

my dad and this other guy were fighting over who would go on a date with my mom in high school so they put their forearms together and my mom dropped a lit cigarette in between them and said “first one to pull away loses” and my dad still has a little scar

latviia:

michaxl:

do she got

couturierer:

if i ever got sentenced to house arrest i’d just laugh at the judge

(Source: hunterandrewpence)

yongmuney:

my left hand cant do anything right

egg-rolls:

one time i got a sample from the tea store at the mall and as i walked away the guy said “tea you later” and then his coworker smacked him